War Of My Life

Sometimes I just don't feel good enough. Actually, most of the time I don't. For most people I've never met up to par with what they think I should be. The advice I get from people is that I should be more focused on how God looks at me and all of that, which, I know how He sees me. I'm His creation and His son...but I really get tired of people just telling me the same stuff all of the time. No one ever listens...no one ever just takes the time to sit back and understand how I feel about something. They all just want to force feed information down my throat. I suppose I'm coming to learn that this is how most people are wired. People are always so quick to fix problems and sometimes it's just not that simple. Certain things take time. Having said all of this, I'm not talking about how I look or how I act...I'm talking about meeting up with who everyone else thinks I should be. Everyone has an idea of what someone else should be and they get it stuck in their head and box the person off to one linear understanding. I'm just not good enough. I'm not a good enough leader, I'm not a good enough role model. I see it every time these girls look at me. I'm not good enough and I don't know if I ever will be.

Honestly, life hurts.  Right now everything feels like a hot knife.  Every smile and laugh has become a cacophony of misery that makes it feel like everyone is against me.  This is what goes on inside of my head...I thought I'd let you in to what I see every single day.  This is my own personal hell and prison who's captor is myself.  I weep for hope, but I can never find any.  I search for happiness but it's lost on me.  As John Mayer beautifully said, "I'm in the war of my life."

"I've got a hammer and a heart of glass

I've gotta know right now which walls to smash"