Sunday, December 30, 2012

Christmas Practicum Post #2

This week was mostly spent at my house again.  I was able to hang out with my brother which was nice and Christmas was good as well.  I think I wore out my Xbox though, beating two games in two and a half days.  Hopefully this new disc drive I ordered will get it running again.  It enabled me to spend some time with my brother working on it though which was pretty cool.

I completed four hours of practicum this week and that was today.  I helped out with the worship this week playing bass which really added a lot.  Bass always fills in the sound, that's why I love it so much.  Something I noticed, that I already knew but it was nice to put in to practice and be reminded of, was that a good practice goes a long way but you should always be aware of the songs that you pick for a worship set.  It really does decide a lot of the way a service is going to go.  I always spend time praying about the songs I should sing when I get the opportunity to lead.

I obviously felt most beneficial in music this week but I didn't feel ineffective because that was really the only thing I was able to do with the church this week.  Chafik and Ella are back from vacation now so I'll be able to ride with them to church and get a lot more hours in.

I really enjoyed my time with my brother Daniel this week.  I hope I was able to be a positive influence and atmosphere in a negative environment.  I think he's having some spiritual struggles right now and I'm just trying to be there for him by being a brother.  Just hanging out and relating to him.  He's got a lot of talent and I can't wait to see how he uses it in the future.  However, I would like to get out of the house and I'll be able to do that next week.

I've come a long way and God's been dealing with me in that area.  As a man I've got a lot of work but I've made a decision that I'm going to be a better one than I've been in the past.  Despite people I've hurt and relationships I've broken because of my own brokenness, I'm looking forward from here and climbing my hills with new strength.  Yeah, I'll probably fall on my face a couple times but I'll get back up.

"Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." -Thomas Wayne in Batman Begins

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Christmas Practicum #1

I didn't do much this week other than sit at the house.  Without a vehicle I have no way to get to the church until Ella and Chafik get back.  I've spent a lot of this week in rest and reflection.  Being alone with myself gives me a lot of time to think.  While in large amounts this is harmful for me, it's been good to take a step back.  I only spent 2 hours at the church this week and that was today because my dad dropped me off on the way to his church.  Hopefully I'll be able to make up my hours in the coming weeks.

I would like to say I accomplished a lot in the area of ministry this week but I haven't really been outside of the house.  So I'm going to void questions 3 and 4 for another day because I really don't have anything for them.

The best part of this week was the time I was able to spend with my brothers and the time I spent today with my dad.  We went to see Skyfall, which was awesome, and me and him were able to talk some more about the things that are going on and about my future...all the normal father son stuff.  Being at home every single day, however, has started to get redundant and lonely.  Next week I'm shooting to be out of the house mostly...I hope anyway.

God has been telling me to be patient.  Not just in getting out of the house but in all of my life.  I'm always so quick to jump the gun and I need to calm down sometimes and not get so hasty.  It seems like He has to remind me of this quite a bit.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Lost In The TIde

I still haven't completely figured out how to deal with everything.  There was a point in my life where I was strong.  This strength was in every aspect; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Now I'm just lost in all of these things.  It's hard to motivate myself to do much of anything and it is hard to ever think positive.  I feel this ever present weight bearing down on me every single day and it just gets heavier and heavier.  I'm really trying to find myself, but I fear how lost I've really become.  I wake up every morning with a heavy heart and then I go to bed every night with it encumbered.

There is no reprieve in the tides of life, only the sound of shattering waves and the rocks that receive them.  Kingdoms have been dismantled by the smallest of things and I fear that the kingdom of my heart has been fractured without reform.  Where do I find my strength again?  How do I rebuild the walls and fight back the tide?  I'm tired of being weak and I'm weary of being overwhelmed.  Every step that I take now is another painful memory that I have to look back upon.  Each footprint filled with the sting of life.

My character falters as I watch and wonder
My heart breaks like cackling thunder
Where is this beauty that I've often pondered
It is lost in the tide

Weapons for war and murder and peace
Send me your love I need its release
A world of hate and sorrow decease
But my heart it lingers

Those eyes, those daggers that pierce my mind
I see them, I see them all of the time
The promise of life in you was denied
No more can I fight
No more can I fight

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

War Of My Life

Sometimes I just don't feel good enough. Actually, most of the time I don't. For most people I've never met up to par with what they think I should be. The advice I get from people is that I should be more focused on how God looks at me and all of that, which, I know how He sees me. I'm His creation and His son...but I really get tired of people just telling me the same stuff all of the time. No one ever one ever just takes the time to sit back and understand how I feel about something. They all just want to force feed information down my throat. I suppose I'm coming to learn that this is how most people are wired. People are always so quick to fix problems and sometimes it's just not that simple. Certain things take time. Having said all of this, I'm not talking about how I look or how I act...I'm talking about meeting up with who everyone else thinks I should be. Everyone has an idea of what someone else should be and they get it stuck in their head and box the person off to one linear understanding. I'm just not good enough. I'm not a good enough leader, I'm not a good enough role model. I see it every time these girls look at me. I'm not good enough and I don't know if I ever will be.

Honestly, life hurts.  Right now everything feels like a hot knife.  Every smile and laugh has become a cacophony of misery that makes it feel like everyone is against me.  This is what goes on inside of my head...I thought I'd let you in to what I see every single day.  This is my own personal hell and prison who's captor is myself.  I weep for hope, but I can never find any.  I search for happiness but it's lost on me.  As John Mayer beautifully said, "I'm in the war of my life."

"I've got a hammer and a heart of glass
I've gotta know right now which walls to smash"