A Stupid Fool But An Honest Fool

In the grand picturesque design of the Almighty I sometimes wonder at how truly powerful He is. As eloquent as you can be, one could never describe Him to justice. I'm learning that I need to spend less time within myself and more time with God. I've spent most of my life thinking inwardly, and trust me, I confuse myself. For most of my life I've been a narcissist. Not in the sense that I don't like to give or I'm ungrateful to people when they give me things, but more focused on my emotions. I always put my feelings before other people's feelings and most of the time I put them before God. I've never been able to come to a place where I honestly care about other people more than I care about myself. I'm sure that there's some psychological explanation to that, but what I know is that it has to change. Not only does it hurt other people because of my insensitivity to them, but it also hurts me because I honestly want to change it. I see my failure in motion and then I play it back over and over again and it haunts me in every way possible. Sometimes I can see it coming before it happens, but I still don't stop myself because I don't know how to defeat my own insecurities.  I feel so foolish sometimes to think that I'm more important than anyone else on this earth.  I don't want the rest of my life to be a flash of horror. I want the rest of my life to be lived in fulfillment of my purposes, but that will never happen as long as I put myself before other people. God I need you in this regard and every other area of my life.

Sometimes I feel like Pippin when he looks into the Palantir in The Lord of the Rings.  The Dark Lord shows him all of the horrible things that could possibly happen in the war for the ring.  It plays over and over in Pippins head while he's holding onto this orb.  He can't control the visions or the pain.  As he cries out in agony it is suddenly taken from him by one of the fellowship, saving him from his distress.  

I need that in my life...a complete wipe of everything emotional that holds me down; all the pain that I inflict on myself unwillingly.  Maybe it was out of curiosity I ended up in this situation like Pippin or maybe I conditioned myself this way.  Time will unravel me and God will help me understand.