Ain't No Reason

I'm seriously tired.  For the past couple weeks I've had nothing but physical and emotional strain on my body and it's taking a toll.  I've been contemplating my future lately as well.  I'm not sure if I want to go to another college to continue school or if I should stay with Lee Online and just move somewhere.  The last thing I want to do is go back to South Hill.  I've been thinking about UNCW for something in English or Creative Writing.  If I didn't do that my other option would be VCU, but I'm leaning more towards UNCW if I'm going to go to another university.  I love Wilmington and it's a good school.  My other option is to move here and continue online schooling, which doesn't really seem like the most golden idea at the current moment.  I suppose I'm just ready to start my life and fully unleash my potential on the world.Whichever way you look at it, choices are never easy.  I just wish my indecisive brain would let me make up its mind.

Now let me just take a moment to talk to you.  If you're a human being living on this earth, and not some alien from another planet who's emotionless zealousy makes you hell bent on other people's destruction, than STOP and think for a minute.  What right do you have to make someone else's life miserable?  Good question eh?  If you can't come up with a suitable answer other than that you have no consideration for other people's lives than you don't have a good answer.  However, in life there is a morality clause that is dictated by each individual person.  In other words; people think they can do whatever they want based on their own morals no matter who it hurts!  I might get in trouble for this one, but I'm gonna say it. The worst way people hurt others is by justifying their destructive actions with religion.  It's an infallible safety net...but not to the person in pain.   Does that make this incessant thorn in everyone's side right? OF COURSE NOT. But this giant grey line over mankind leaves people crippled, broken, and misunderstood.  It gives people this sense of entitlement and that in itself is dangerous.

All I'm saying is, don't wage an unnecessary war.  It seems the one thing everyone desires is the one thing that causes this the most.  Love.  Or what people define as love anyway.  Real love should save us. Yeah, there are some bad people in this world, but for those of us that are decent...can we try to live up to that decency?  There's a lot of misery in the world.  Why don't you try thinking about them the next time you want to act on your "morality."  If not...well...I'm sure someone somewhere will give you the time of day, but not me.

There ain't no reason things are this way.  Sing it Brett

A Stupid Fool But An Honest Fool

In the grand picturesque design of the Almighty I sometimes wonder at how truly powerful He is. As eloquent as you can be, one could never describe Him to justice. I'm learning that I need to spend less time within myself and more time with God. I've spent most of my life thinking inwardly, and trust me, I confuse myself. For most of my life I've been a narcissist. Not in the sense that I don't like to give or I'm ungrateful to people when they give me things, but more focused on my emotions. I always put my feelings before other people's feelings and most of the time I put them before God. I've never been able to come to a place where I honestly care about other people more than I care about myself. I'm sure that there's some psychological explanation to that, but what I know is that it has to change. Not only does it hurt other people because of my insensitivity to them, but it also hurts me because I honestly want to change it. I see my failure in motion and then I play it back over and over again and it haunts me in every way possible. Sometimes I can see it coming before it happens, but I still don't stop myself because I don't know how to defeat my own insecurities.  I feel so foolish sometimes to think that I'm more important than anyone else on this earth.  I don't want the rest of my life to be a flash of horror. I want the rest of my life to be lived in fulfillment of my purposes, but that will never happen as long as I put myself before other people. God I need you in this regard and every other area of my life.

Sometimes I feel like Pippin when he looks into the Palantir in The Lord of the Rings.  The Dark Lord shows him all of the horrible things that could possibly happen in the war for the ring.  It plays over and over in Pippins head while he's holding onto this orb.  He can't control the visions or the pain.  As he cries out in agony it is suddenly taken from him by one of the fellowship, saving him from his distress.  

I need that in my life...a complete wipe of everything emotional that holds me down; all the pain that I inflict on myself unwillingly.  Maybe it was out of curiosity I ended up in this situation like Pippin or maybe I conditioned myself this way.  Time will unravel me and God will help me understand.

Christmas Practicum #4

I spent this week mostly at the house.  I went to my mom and dad's church today and they took up a love offering for my Abaco trip.  I sang a few songs for the offering and showed the Go Abaco video as well.  I'm definitely appreciative of all that they gave and I always enjoy going there for service as well.

I learned that it's ok to want to do things for myself sometimes, especially when it comes to my passion.  I do it for God but I also need to remember that I do it because I love to play music and it brings me joy.  It's how I find my release and it's ok to know that it's for God and others but it's also for me.

I hope that my presence at the house this week was beneficial to my family but I'm not really sure.  I think that's my answer for both questions.  I didn't really have a way to leave the house this week so because of that I wasn't really involved in ministry but I did feel like I was able to minister to my mom when we went out to eat on Friday.  That was my favorite part about this week.  We talked a lot about the family and how she was doing and a good portion was spent talking about her relationship with God.  She seems to be doing alright.  I hope she is anyway, and the same for my dad.

What I learned this week is kind of what God has been telling me.  I don't balance my life out enough.  You're supposed to put God first, others second, and yourself third but a lot of times I feel like I don't give God enough of my time but I also don't feel like I spend enough time taking care of myself.  It's something He's been telling me that I seriously need to work on.

Christmas Practicum #3

I stayed at Chafik and Ella's for most of this week.  I did everything from taking Christmas decorations down at the church to going to a lady's house to help her move metal and wood.  The week seems like a giant blur.  I barely remember everything I did and I can't count the hours spent at the church.  I was there Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday (today).  Worship was really good this week and it was a lot of fun playing electric.  I haven't really picked one up in a while.

I think lack of communication is always a hindrance.  That's a big thing I learned this week.  I also learned that as leaders in the church you shouldn't let bias dictate how you act from person to person.

I found myself most beneficial when we helped out the lady at her little farm this week.  I was able to sort of understand what she was going through and therefore relate to her and talk to her about it.  Her husband left her for another woman.  I contributed a lot in music this week as well with the addition of the electric guitar.  I found myself least beneficial around Chafik and Ella period.  It seems like I can never win with them and honestly I'm done trying to please them all the time.  It makes me miserable.

My favorite aspect was getting to play electric guitar honestly.  It felt so good to play one again and have it shape the music and sound really good.  I miss that.  Dealing with Chafik and Ella was on the other end of the spectrum however.  It seems that I can never truly get it right with them.

God's kind of telling me that you can't please everyone and also that He's with me.  He's going to bless me with the desires of my heart but I don't need to push it so much.  I need to just let him work it all out in His timing and endure each season for what it brings and what it teaches.